I’d start by clearing up the blatant problems that the current cosmic administration has let run amok. Perpetual sore spots like world hunger, ethnic strife and global warming would become distant memories under my watch.

But any wannabe deity can campaign on the "peace on Earth, good will towards men" platform and call it a millennium. It’s the attention to detail and straight-up fun factor that separate me from the chaff.

For instance, the most devastating culinary mix-up would cease to ruin lives once I’m head chef. I’m referring to cookie counter confusion, found wherever both chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies are sold.

As you’re no doubt aware, the problem is that CC and OR cookies are almost indistinguishable when found together on a counter wrapped in plain cellophane. Without close scrutiny and quite possibly a sniff test, it’s damn near impossible to know whether you’ll be getting plump raisins or decadent chocolate.

Oatmeal and raisin is a good combo once in a while, but it just cannot compete with chocolate chips when it comes to satisfying a cookie craving. And nothing compares to the sheer disappointment faced when one bites into a moist, chewy cookie only to find a chocolate craving stymied by a squishy raisin.

Supreme Omnipotent Universal Ruler Casey (the Big SOUR for short) to the rescue.

In my universe, I’d eliminate this problem by making oatmeal raisin cookies purple. No explanation, no laws of science at work, they’d just be purple.

My mysterious ways stretch deep into the oven.

On the fun front comes an idea I’ve been advocating for years to no avail. Basically, it combines the concept behind Daylight Savings Time with the flexibility and control provided by a VCR. Instead of everyone springing forward or falling back an hour according to the arbitrary decree of some foolish Earth-bound government, individuals would decide when to fast forward or rewind.

Students, for example, could skip through a particularly unpleasant test, assuming it was an hour or less in length. Adults could use it to get through an hour’s worth of taxes, a job review at work or any of the other countless painful tasks that come with the job of life.

While the fast forward would be nice, the rewind would likely be the more important of the two. Major snafus could be averted, looming disasters could be delayed and extremely pleasurable hours could be relived a second time. The possibilities are endless.

Just to spice things up, however, anytime a person utilized their two annual phase shifts, they’d have to summon a "time genie," an absurdly outfitted sprite that would make outrageous demands and statements of questionable veracity.

You’d only have to endure a few minutes of its taunting however, before he granted your request, complete with trippy graphical effects and sci-fi sound bleeps and bloops.

Yep, it’d be quite a different world if I was in charge.