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1-19-2007 By CASEY CAMPBELL After 21 years of life, I’ve come to realize a more efficient way of solving almost any problem: use your fists. All the words in the world can’t resolve things as quickly as a clenched fist. Don’t believe me? Here’s a perfect example of how one major problem could have been avoided with just a few rapid hand movements. President Bush: Saddam, buddy, you got weapons of mass destruction and you need to disarm. Saddam: No dude, I really don’t. Bush: Well all right, you know how we do in Texas. Time to settle this old-school style. Saddam: See who can dig an oil well first? Bush: Nope, I’m talking Rock Paper Scissors (RPS), best out of three. Saddam: Bring it on. For those of you who may not understand the art of RPS as well as I do, you might think this is a bad idea. How could we rely on a game of random chance to decide major foreign policy issues? Trust me, this game is anything but random. Going back to the example of the conflict in Iraq, here’s how I project the match would have turned out. Based on what we know of Bush, it’s pretty likely that he would use Rock on the first throw. It’s regarded as the most powerful and straightforward throw, two clear attributes of Bush. Saddam, crafty as he is, would probably use Scissors, mixing both strength and guile, on the first throw. Bush wins. On the second throw, Bush would again throw Rock. Steadfast and resolute in his beliefs, he knows that brute force will resolve the Iraqi conflict in the end. Saddam decides to mix it up a bit, and throws Paper on the second throw, covering Bush and tying the match at 1 apiece. Staying the course, Bush again throws Rock at Saddam. Saddam, believing no one could be so stubborn, went back to scissors for his final throw. Bush wins and the weapons of mass destruction are found AND there’s democracy, peace and oil in the Middle East. Hooray! There’s historical precedent for the use of RPS in settling matters of warfare too. A little-known story from ancient Greece tells us that before the seeds of democracy had first been sown and strong-arm politics were still the norm, RPS saved the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands, of Greek peasants. Sparta was upset with the minor city-state of Papyrus regarding the production of a specific kind of rock catapult. The people of Papyrus, known for their elegant cutlery, decided they no longer wished to produce the tools of war, preferring to live their lives in peaceful obscurity. As the Spartan army closed in on the small city-state to force them to change their minds, the leader of Papyrus, a man known as Scissorcrates, calmly strode toward the soldiers. Details are scarce regarding exactly what transpired, but one historian writes, “His fist pumping up and down, Scissorcrates pointed two fingers in the shape of a V at the leader of the Spartan army. The Spartan general, his own hand open and facing palm down, simply nodded and strode away. There would be no bloodshed this day.” The consensus among experts now is that this is the first recorded use of RPS on the battlefield. By now it should be clear that Rock Paper Scissors is the only true path to peaceful conflict resolution. Think of how many people have resolved who gets the last slice of pizza without resorting to violence. It’s a lot, I bet. It is with these notions in mind that on Oct. 16 I am setting forth for the 2004 World Rock Paper Scissors Championship in Toronto. While it would be nice to win the purse of $10,000 (Canadian), it’s really not about the money. It’s about people getting together and rejoicing in their belief that there is a better way. To jump start your trek on the path of self-enlightenment, check out www.rpschamps.com. |
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