They told me New York was a springtime paradise. They told me New York was cool and comfortable. They told me not to plant anything before Memorial Day because it would be too cold.

They lied.

At least I was not alone as I watered my freshly planted garden with the perspiration of my brow this long holiday weekend. I took some small solace knowing that all those who warned me of May frost and Memorial Day snowflakes were also sweating over their petunias. I took greater solace knowing that, no matter how miserable my weekend of gardening was, it was undoubtedly better than Jennifer Aniston's. Note to Jen (because we're such good friends): Turn off the TV, look away from the magazine racks, tune out the radio and ... heck, just sequester yourself at home until the media tire of the news that your ex-husband and his "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" costar have given birth in Namibia to their first biological child.

One day, you'll be able to rejoin American culture without having to hear every excruciating detail of the "Brangelina" union and its offspring. In fact, I dream of the day when we may all rejoice in the notion that we will never again hear the word "Brangelina." You should be safe right about the time little Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt is ready to go to preschool. Or maybe high school. Or maybe a nursing home. And note to Brad and Angelina: Shiloh Nouvel? Really? M-kay.

Here are some other names you might want to consider for your future progeny:

Appomattox Fameux

Lexington Riche

Antietam Vieux

Gettysburg Gateau

Bull Run Bibliotheque.

You don't have to thank me - just make sure your children never blame me.

And don't think for a minute that I'm criticizing your choice.

Naming a child is a daunting responsibility that should not be undertaken by the weak-spirited. It's easy to bring someone into the world. It's much harder to find that perfect combination of syllables and sounds that will signify to the world just who that person is.

And it has to hold up for the next 80 years. And it has to be unique enough that there won't be 20 others in every class from preschool through graduate school.

But it can't be so unusual that your grandparents make faces every time they say it.

It has to please the child you haven't met, the siblings and parents who are waiting, the grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, Romans and countrymen.

And it cannot be too similar to the names already chosen by any women of childbearing age included in that list. You do not want to cross a woman who has dibs on a name.

It's no wonder that babies get saddled with names like Shiloh, Apple, Moses, Moxie and Suri. What we neglect to tell expectant parents as they wring their hands over finding just the right name is this: It doesn't matter what you name your baby. Seriously.

You can toil over list after list of baby names for years, but the fact is that you will love whatever name you give your child just by virtue of loving your child.

You can call your little girl Haggis Turnbuckle, and even Grandma will agree, after getting to know her adorable little granddaughter, that Haggis Turnbuckle is the most precious, beautiful, intelligent name, because the baby who goes by that name is all of those things.

Yes, you can call your baby anything. Anything except Haggis, because I've decided I have dibs on that one.

Elizabeth Trever Buchinger is a freelance writer who tried once to change her name to Pinky Tuscadero. She can be reached at VillageWordsmith@hughes.net.