Thanksgiving is a holiday rife with tradition. There's the standard holiday feast with family gathered together in celebration. We also have the opening of the shopping season, in which millions of consumers descend on malls in a frenzy, looking for deals and the perfect gifts.

Most importantly, however, is the rich American tradition of overeating.

(If you're a vegetarian, herbivore or whatever it's called these days, feel free to stop reading here. Tofu turkey is an abomination and has no place in this column.)

It starts with the feast itself. Plates piled high with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, squash and the like are quickly devoured. With the aroma of dead bird still filling your nostrils and the table still overflowing with its bounty, you find yourself unable to resist seconds. And then just one last slice of dark meat.

It's only after you've already stuffed yourself silly that you remember dessert. By the last forkful of pie, you're manually overriding your gag reflex in an effort to force down one more bite.

Studies have shown that 98 percent of all people vow to never eat again at this point. And then they take naps.

Since most people forget their vows shortly after waking from their nap, I've developed several fool-proof diet regimes which are perfect follow-ups to the holiday porkfest. And by fool-proof, I mean you'll prove yourself a fool if you actually follow any of these "diets."

ä The Drive-Thru Diet

On-the-go lifestyles demand on-the-go diets. And nothing says "go" or "diet" more than drive-thru dining.

In our area, options are limited, but Oneonta and surrounding metropolitan areas offer a fine selection of fast food restaurants with which to satisfy the basic tenets of this diet: it's gotta be cheap and it's gotta be greasy. And it's gotta be all over your steering wheel, lap and passenger seat floor after you're finished.

• The 'Nogg N' Sauce Diet

A festive holiday weight-loss program, this plan offers a solution for those looking to rid themselves of the excess cans of cranberry sauce that have built up over the years.

The diet itself is quite simple. Three meals a day, with each meal consisting of a can of cranberry sauce, either jellied or whole berry style. Before each meal, drink one small glass of eggnog.

Granted, it may seem impossible to lose weight when your intake consists of three pounds of cranberry sauce and a glass of thick, fatty eggnog, but a pound of cranberry sauce (the typical amount contained in a can) only contains about 600 calories. And a cup of eggnog has approximately 340 calories, bringing your total to roughly 2,200 on the day.

Factor in the vomiting that inevitably is induced from eating three pounds of cranberry sauce and you'll shed pounds like they're going out of style.

• The Budget Diet

A diet plan for those who already took out a second mortgage on their house to pay for their Christmas gifts, this program is lean on the wallet and the stomach.

When traveling to a grocery store, only bring enough to buy the basics: bread, milk, eggs and frozen waffles. Repeat four times a month.

You'll avoid needless spending on extraneous goods like fruits, vegetables and meat, freeing up more cash to spend on things that really matter. Like video games

As a current practitioner of this regime, I can tell you first-hand that nothing helps you ignore the gnawing pain of hunger quite like a round of blasting aliens.

Furthermore, these programs improve on previous efforts by allotting for the failure that accompanies most diets. No more messy excuses trying to cover for the fact that we're simply too lazy to really adhere to a genuine diet and exercise plan. Blame it on the diet and be right for a change!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a giant plate of food to inhale.