Finally, I'm off probation. No more tip-toeing around or wondering when the hammer's gonna drop. I'm free as a bird and the man's not keeping me down anymore.

Wait, not that type of probation. I'm talking about the kind that begins as soon as you start a new job. In the real world, not the judicially-imposed one. My time's up, I passed the review phase and can officially say I'm now a full-fledged member of the working world.

Which, in all honesty, is devastating.

It's certainly not because I don't enjoy my work. You really can't beat a gig that consists of talking to a ton of interesting people and cruising around a beautiful area like Otsego County. I'm having a blast and would even flirt with using the word "love" to describe my job, if I didn't have debilitating commitment issues.

Despite all that, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope the review period would end with unequivocal failure. Nothing would have made me happier than to hear, "sorry kid, you're not cut out for this, go back to school." A lifetime supply of Gatorade and the words "unlimited expense account" would have come close, but even that pales in comparison to the thoughts of being back in college.

Oh sure, technically I passed all the necessary classes and jumped through all the hoops required for a degree. But as most of my friends have now returned to college after the summer break, I get the sense that I left behind too many other incompletes that will never appear on my academic transcript.

Too many beers unopened, too many late-night conversations with friends never to be had. And I can guarantee there are at least one or two orders of cheesy bread with my name on it in a dorm somewhere.

It was inevitable, of course, but that doesn't mean I'm not humming the Toys 'R Us theme song every now and then. I mean, really, who wants to grow up anyway?

So it goes, I guess.

But wallowing in self-pity really isn't my style, and it's probably moving you to tears, more from boredom than anything else. I'm debt-free, I'm not a walking target in Iraq and my home didn't just get obliterated by a hurricane or a tsunami. Comparatively speaking, my grounds for complaint are nonexistent.

Which, looking back at a few of my columns, has been something of a running theme. I've written and complained about a mouse, not having an internet connection and about not getting a deal on a magazine subscription. I can only hope my concerns remain so incredibly trivial.

Not that I regret a single one. Well, except maybe the piece which began with "I regret this column." Painted myself into a corner with that one. Anyway, ignoring the shallowness of the subject matter, my general goal for each column has been "be funny or, miserably failing that, be interesting." Generally, I think I've met that goal.

In light of the last 500 words however, having such a limited goal is probably not a possibility. As much as I'd like to devote every column to forming the Zombie Defense Force, there's a ton of other subject matter worth writing about, most of it stemming from serious issues that I've pretended to ignore. And a lot of local things I'm slowly learning about too.

(Quick aside, somebody needs to send out a list to new residents describing all the things that need to be visited in the area. I only went to the Fly Creek Cider Mill for the first time two weeks ago, and I can't believe I've been missing out on it for three months. I've seen heaven, and it's a refrigerated pie room. If you know of other essential local attractions like this, e-mail me immediately at crier@csdsl.net.)

Anyway, if there's a point floating around in the shipwreck that is this column, it's this: don't be too scared if a serious (the dreaded "s" word) column or two pops into the mix.

If not serious in tone, than slightly more involved with events in the real world, outside of my apartment and zombie-infested brain.

It might be about something local, it might be a rant about the latest travesty out of Washington, who knows. Certainly not me. I should probably explain what the title of this column refers at some point.

Maybe I'll give this real world thing a try after all.