Some of you may not exactly understand or accept what I am about to tell you, but it's important to keep an open mind for the next few minutes. This information could one day save your life. Or at least delay your inevitable death.

Zombies are real.

That's right, zombies. Those rotting, shuffling corpses we all know and fear from the movies are not only real, but a potentially catastrophic problem facing our world.

I'm dead serious.

I first learned about the undead menace 12 or 13 years ago. I was staying up late one night polluting my brain with boob tube rabble, when something came on that scarred my fragile childhood psyche forever.

It was "Night of the Living Dead," George A. Romero's epic documentary about several people trapped in an isolated farmhouse during one of the first zombie outbreaks on record.

I was captivated; watching as the shuffling menaces slowly devoured the bodies of those they killed and the sanity of those who escaped. It was a defining point in my life.

Since then, I've dedicated myself to the study of the undead and, after years of research, consider myself an amateur zombie scholar.

Like a cockroach surviving nuclear Armageddon against all odds, I plan to make it through the inevitable zombie invasion unscathed.

And I want you to survive too. Not necessarily out of the goodness of my heart (although I've been an angel for Halloween 12 years running), but because every human who survives the first wave is one less zombie my merry band of survivors will have to put down later.

With that in mind, equip yourself with the following insight and you too will thrive like a cockroach bathed in nuclear glory. Really, I'm sure that's better than it sounds.

First off, some basic information. Zombies are the reanimated corpses of recently deceased humans. Their souls have already left for heaven, hell or whatever ends up being the one true afterlife. I'm hoping Disneyland.

It's unknown at this point what makes a zombie tick, but leading theorists are leaning toward a viral infection.

Radiation from returning spacecraft or orbiting debris has also been blamed as have rage-infected monkeys. Personally, I think it has to do with the ocean and sea creatures, but I've accepted that's due to my discriminatory views on fish.

The most important thing to remember is that zombies are not your friends. They may have once been a loved one or an enemy, but now they are cannibals, hell-bent on making you a meat popsicle.

Zombies exist only to consume. Devoid of any rational thought and capable of issuing only the most basic physical commands in their quest to devour and destroy, the average American brain is a hunk of largely unused matter with the sole purpose of serving as a counterweight for fat buttocks. Err, I meant "zombie" brain. Whoops.

Although they are mindless killing machines, zombies themselves can be easily dispatched with a hard blow or bullet to the brain.

Slow, awkward and unable to work together, the zombie threat's only advantage comes when they have a numerical advantage. Thankfully, they haven't yet established a major presence on any continent except Australia.

Oh you think you've been to Australia, eh? Well mate, I've got news for you: you got on a plane and went somewhere, but it sure wasn't the land of hoppity kangaroos and sweet, delicious kiwis.

Australia has been off limits for decades, but the world's governments have colluded to keep us all in the dark. Still don't believe me? Then you probably won't believe it's not an island either. Trust me, I've seen pictures.

By now, I hope you're asking yourself "What can I do to reduce my chances of walking the earth as a flesh-eating hell spawn?" You might also be asking "Why am I still reading this nonsense?" but don't let doubt and prejudice cloud your mind.

Your best bet is preparation. Learning how to survive in a world filled with hungry cannibals is a mind-boggling task, so the best bet is to start small. As tempting as it may be, don't abandon your wife and kids just to prepare for inevitable collapse of society.

For starters, turn off the TiVo and pick up a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks.

It's mislabeled as a humor book, but make no mistake: there's nothing funny about zombies or this tome. I'm not sure how he made it past the censors, but Brooks has done humanity an outstanding service in releasing this bible for the zombie age.

I couldn't begin to summarize this masterpiece, so do us all a favor and go buy a copy now. It's available wherever books are sold and life is valued.

If the outbreak happens tomorrow, or God forbid, is happening right now, find a "safe" place. Ideally, this would be a sturdy, two to three-story structure with few windows and doors. Brooks advises getting to the second or third floor and then destroying the stairs and other access points to the ground level and using a ladder that can be pulled to safety by fellow survivors.

Stockpile canned food, water and comic books in abundance, as it's anyone's guess as to how long it will take, assuming it happens at all, for someone to clear out the zombies. Stay alert, stay focused and avoid bad movie cliches like splitting a group up or falling in love with people you just met.

And if the invasion does happen tomorrow, don't look for me to save your life. I'll be hiding out in Disneyland.